If You Say You Can’t, You Won’t: How To Improve Your Confidence

As a communications coach I am fortunate to be working with some highly skilled businesswomen and businessmen. Even though many of them are professionals at the top of their game, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are fully confident. In fact, I’ve noticed that most people, no matter their experience, struggle at times with issues connected to their confidence.

For example, I’ve had clients who feel awkward speaking up at meetings, or making presentations, or managing a team. This lack of confidence is sometimes about English being the person’s second language, but not always. The reality is, regardless of what language you speak, humans, as a species, tend to be less confident than you might think! Yet, it’s important to realize that confidence is a state of mind that can be developed.

I’m not talking about the old “fake it ‘til you make it” kind of confidence It’s not about pretending to be confident; it’s about developing your confidence as a skilled communicator. You first need  to start by assessing your own skill level. This requires thinking about your own thinking. We learn by reflection! So it’s crucial that you take time and reflect on how you currently communicate. Following are two key aspects of confidence to consider:

1. Your Inner Monologue

Think about what goes through your head when you aren’t feeling confident. Are you undermining yourself with “negative self-talk”? Are you focussed on how you think others perceive you? If so, shift your focus from thinking about yourself to listening to others, and asking questions. The more you focus on what others have to say, the more engaged you will become. The more engaged you are, the more confident you will feel.

2. Your Outer Words

 Analyze the way you use words. Words are powerful. Using them in a positive manner helps you communicate from a position of strength, rather than weakness. For example, instead of prefacing a progress report by apologizing that you aren’t farther along, start by talking about what you have accomplished, and what you can share.

Of course, you absolutely need to prepare and practice for any situation in which you may lack confidence. You also need to reflect, after the fact, to figure out what worked and what didn’t. That’s when the real learning occurs. Be sure to strategize how you might do things differently the next time. Accept that changing mental habits isn’t easy — it’s a process that takes time.

But just as I am not suggesting that you “fake it ‘til you make it,” I’m also not suggesting “practice makes perfect.” There is no perfect! There’s only cultivating a positive mindset. Focusing on the positives will get you a lot farther down the path of confidence than dwelling on the negatives. A positive mindset is the cornerstone of confident communication! 

Remember: if you say you can’t do something, you probably won’t. Try doing this instead. Start by saying, “I can, and I will make it happen.” I am quite confident that doing so will help!

Schedule a 30 minute complimentary phone or video meeting to meet Dr. Sandra Folk. She’ll be happy to talk to you about your business communications challenges.

It All Starts With Curiosity: How To Ask The Right Questions

Anyone who spends time with children knows they love to ask questions. “Why is there a moon?” “How come ladybugs have spots?” “Can I eat ice cream every night?” Harvard-based child psychologist Paul Harris says a child asks something like 40,000 questions between the ages of two and five. Yikes, that’s a whole lot of questions!

But what kids are doing is what adults need to do too — they’re being curious. Children ask questions because they want to learn about the world. In business, in order to respond to the needs of your clients and colleagues, you need to be curious too. Asking questions is how you gain information and understanding. 

But a bad question won’t get you far. Poorly constructed questions are generally confusing. They lead to unproductive communication. As well, confusing or pointless questions reflect poorly on the asker. So, you need to know how to ask good questions. Here are some important  principles to keep in mind when asking questions:

1. Clarity

Questions should be easy to understand and use straightforward language. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes — what kind of question is likely to get a response? Your questions need to be relevant to the person.

2. Simplicity

Ask one question at a time. A “double-barrelled” question, where you ask two questions at the same time, likely means only one of them will be answered.

3. Purpose

Think through your questions in advance. You should have a mental road map, knowing where it is you hope your questions will lead.

4. Fearlessness

Don’t be afraid to ask challenging questions. Being direct is better than dancing around a question. Be diplomatic and considerate, but don’t let sensitive subject matter stop you from asking your question.

5. Openness

An open-ended question is the best starting point. In other words, avoid questions that can easily be answered “yes” or “no.” Yes or no answers are conversation stoppers! Part of what makes a good question is that it helps advance the conversation.

6. Specificity

As your conversation proceeds make your questions more specific in order to get more detailed information. Use words like “why” and “how” and “could you describe that” to go more in depth.

Remember, asking good questions means that you and the person you are speaking with will benefit. Sometimes, answering questions helps a person to think more carefully and clarify their own thoughts. Added bonus? Your good questions may lead to solving problems, creating empathy and encouraging a creative working relationship.

Finally, just in case you’re curious, here’s a little “Q&A.”

• “What does the moon do?” It controls daily tides, stabilizes our planet’s rotation, and is responsible for Earth’s climate.

• “How come ladybugs have spots?” To help them hide from predators.

• “Can I eat ice cream every night?” No.

Schedule a 30 minute complimentary phone or video meeting to meet Dr. Sandra Folk. She’ll be happy to talk to you about your business communications challenges.

You’re Not a Good Fit: What Does It Mean?

What exactly does it mean if someone tells you you’re not a good fit — that you can’t get through the office door? It’s one of those phrases that immediately says…nothing. I think people use expressions like “not a good fit,” or “we’re moving in a different direction” because they don’t want to tell you the truth. Or, because they’re lazy. They don’t want to take the time to be specific. Either way, vague jargon like “we’re not a good fit” isn’t clear communication.

Not long ago I was looking over a business proposal from someone hoping to work with me. I felt his quote was high, and that some aspects of the proposal were unclear. Naturally, given that communication is my business, I asked for clarification. But instead of expanding on the proposal or its cost, he simply sent me that deadly one-sentence response: “We’re not a good fit.”

We’re Not A Good Fit!

I admit it, I rolled my eyes. What did he mean? I could only speculate. Did he feel I was asking too many questions? Had he invested as much time in the proposal as he was willing to spend explaining it? Was it something I said? I’ll never know! All I know for sure is that it felt a bit like being fired before we even started working together.

Right Person Wrong Job

So, what might you do if someone tells you they don’t think you’re a good fit? It depends. If you want to know the truth: Ask. Explain to the person that it may be helpful to know the specifics regarding why you aren’t a “good fit.” It might be for a job, for a company, for a doorway — whatever the case may be. The answer might surprise you. It could be a case of “right person, wrong job.”

On the other hand, if you sense your talents and abilities are not being recognized, maybe you don’t want to work with those folks either. In that case, just smile and say, “Yes, I agree, we’re not a good fit.” But if you’re an employee who is literally being fired for “not being a good fit” for a company’s culture, that’s another matter. That’s when you need to consult local employment law.

Company Culture

Come to think of it, “company culture” is in itself a vague term. Does it mean everyone must share the same work ethic and company values? Is it about wanting to have drinks on Friday afternoon with your co-workers? Does it mean knowing to laugh at the boss’s jokes even if they aren’t funny? Or is it just code for some kind of discrimination.

Is It Passive Aggressive?

As the Urban Dictionary aptly defines it, “not a good fit” is a “passive aggressive understatement used when rejecting a job candidate, firing a worker, or breaking up with a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend.” So, I suggest we consider retiring the expression  — unless we’re talking about a pair of pants that are too tight!

Schedule a 30 minute complimentary phone or video meeting to meet Dr. Sandra Folk. She’ll be happy to talk to you about your business communications challenges.

So You’ve Been Promoted: How to Build Your English Language Confidence

You know your stuff. You’re intelligent and knowledgeable, which is why you’ve been promoted. But even though you’re a business professional, English is not your first language. Sometimes that holds you back. When you conduct meetings not everyone always understands you.

It’s not a question of the right words or correct expressions, and you’re comfortable with English grammar. But sometimes you start to worry that your words won’t come out right. There’s a little voice inside your head asking, “Will I sound foolish?” So, instead of speaking confidently, you lower your voice and speak in a monotone. You skim over the words so quickly that most people can barely hear you, let alone understand you.

Sounds familiar? Rest assured you’re not alone. We all have moments of anxiety when we’re trying to express ourselves, whether it’s in a meeting or during a presentation. But if you’re a non-native English speaker the challenges are even greater. So, first of all, give yourself a break! And secondly, take steps to boost your confidence, speak with more authority, and increase your presence as a leader.

Here are a few techniques I use with my clients, both native English speakers and not, since anyone can benefit from the following:

1. Practice…And Open Wide

Practice does not make “perfect.” But it will help you to improve. The more you practice speaking English each day, the less anxious you’ll feel about expressing yourself. Practice pronunciation and enunciation. Speaking clearly means you have to open your mouth wide!

2. Take Your Time…And Breathe

Don’t rush. Give yourself a chance to find the right words. Otherwise you may start speaking too quickly, which will make you even more nervous. If you’re nervous you’re more likely to mix up what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Breathe! Breathing helps us collect our thoughts. Plus, taking time shows thoughtfulness, which is a valued leadership quality.

3. Be Afraid…And Do It Anyway

Fear is natural and understandable. But you can’t let butterflies in your stomach get the better of you. Believe you can speak clearly and confidently and make yourself try to do exactly that. You’d be surprised at how much better you’ll feel if you try to create new, better habits instead of slipping into old, bad ones.

4. Get Help…Call A Coach

Bill McCartney, a famed American football coach, once said “All coaching is, is taking a player where he can’t take himself.” Mr. McCartney was right. You can’t always get where you want to go on your own. If you’d like to learn more about how a good coach can help you, have a look at Five Ways A Good Coach Can Improve Your Business Communication.

Schedule a 30 minute complimentary phone or video meeting to meet Dr. Sandra Folk. She’ll be happy to talk to you about your business communications challenges.

How Do You Handle Rejection in Business?

At some point in business you will be rejected, no matter who you are. Oprah Winfrey was told she was “unfit for TV.” Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. Steve Jobs was fired from Apple! True, famous people are probably rejected less often than we mere mortals.  But rejection happens to everyone,  in both life and in business.

The question is: How do you handle rejection in business?

Recently, I tried getting information about a women’s executive group I saw advertised on social media.  The representative, who contacted me by phone, noted I was “a perfect fit.” Not sure for what though!  She immediately pressed me to sign up for a “lifetime membership.” When I asked  to have more information sent to me,  I was told I was “disqualified.” She then hung up the phone!

Of course I had to laugh. It was obviously a scam. Even so, it had a little sting. (It’s never nice to be hung up on.) It reminded me of more serious rejections in business I had in the past, and how I got over them. Here are three keys to help you deal with the sting of rejection in business:

1. Be Kind To Yourself

What would you tell a friend or colleague who was rejected? You’d say “yes, it’s disappointing, but not the end of the world.” You’d encourage them not to beat up on themselves. Do the same for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

2. Be Fair To Yourself

Most likely you’ve been accepted for your ideas and abilities in the past. (Probably more than you’ve been rejected.) Remind yourself of the successes and the positives. Not every situation works out the way you hope it will. It doesn’t mean you are a disaster.

3. Educate Yourself

Ask yourself what you learned from the situation that will help in the future. Did you make mistakes you could avoid making again? If you suffer a number of rejections and are given the same reason each time, take a step back and look at why. Use rejection to make you stronger.

True, rejection always feels personal. And when your ideas are rejected, it’s hard not to feel it’s you that’s been rejected. But try to view rejection in the workplace as just a setback.  Usually, that’s all it is in the long run.  

As for that executive women’s group I wanted to join! If I had to do it again, I’d probably research the organization a little more thoroughly before I contacted them. That way I would have realized they were on the shady side and “disqualified” myself before giving them the chance to “disqualify” me!

 Schedule a 30 Minute Complimentary Meeting to meet Sandra via phone or video. Find out if you both are a good fit to work together. Come to the call with your questions and what business communications challenges you’d like to get help with.